You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
