He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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