Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
