halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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