Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
