Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
