I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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