it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
