I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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