i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize