the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
