If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
