Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
