I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
