I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
