She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
