I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
