Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I could make wine with my vomit
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
