reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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