Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize