What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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