Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
