he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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