Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
