My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
