Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
