I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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