I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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