I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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