maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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