i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
