The maid of honor just puked.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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