I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
