She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
