my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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