Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
