I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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