im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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