i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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