So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize