I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
