He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
