I bet he comes in French.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
