batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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