I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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