I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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