saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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