I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
