mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
