I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
