Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
