My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
