I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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