You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
