she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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