Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Randomize
