i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
