kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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