She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
