i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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