I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
