I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
