Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
