i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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