Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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